Today was supposed to be a day of work, I’d spent Monday as a day of work, but Tuesday is normally my day of rest, my sabbath if you will. But tomorrow (starting in 40min/Wednesday) I have 2 mid-terms which I’ve studied for an incomplete manner. I’ve not read all I had to read, and am relying on my memory from lectures alot. I should’ve studied more, but I didn’t and it’s almost midnight. I have an essay due friday morning that I was supposed to write most of today…I didn’t. I read the sources and wrote 1 of 7 pages. My mid-terms are worth about 20% a piece so they are quite serious, and my essay is a quarter of my mark, and is likewise serious. So academically, in the traditional sense of the word, today was a faillure, and I could suffer greatly tomorrow for today’s laxity.
But if I’m honest with myself, I’m not actually worried. Rather, I’m a little worried, but my worry is overwhelmed by gratitude. I’m so grateful today to be alive, indeed now it seems that excepting my occasional overwhelming moments of hatred and despair, the grand theme of my life is gratitude. I got to sleep in today, I went for a run, I got to eat, and read cartoons and watch a bit of a movie I love and rest. Sure my back hurts tremendously as I lay here (I pulled something running), and I’m a bit nervous about tomorrow, but other than those fleeting pains, I am still feeling good. I read today about life in Mississippi in 1964, and about how when blacks went to register to vote they were usually beaten and then charged with disturbing the peace for screaming (I wish I was joking or exaggerating). One black man holding a peaceful protest got shot dead on the lawn infront of the city courthouse by a member of the State Legislature, and no charges were brought against him (and even though no charges were brought against him, the State declared he was acting in clear self-defence). …. my life will never approach that horrible (God willing), and this is today’s lesson from history. The lesson that justice and rights are not a given, but that I’ve been blessed to be in the top 5% of humanity. So I think of the love of God and get on my knees before I go to bed, I cross myself, and thank God for all of his graces. Because above the worries that will bother me day in and day out until I finally breathe my last, I think I should be grateful, rather than troubled.